Posted by
This Guy on Friday, July 07, 2006 9:52:50 AM
I remember back in elementary school when we learned about the difference between facts and opinions.
"Facts, you see, are things that everyone knows to be true. 'The sun is hot', for example, is a fact. Opinions, on the other hand, are statements of preference and may be different for different people. 'I like ice cream', is an opinion."
It all sounded so easy when I was a young lad. Then one day not so long ago, I caught myself saying "Man, this ice cream is good." And suddenly, the world was a-spin. Had I just converted an opinion into fact? My brain raced to review what its public school educationing had taught it ... "'I like ice cream' is an opinion". But wait a minute! No, if I like ice cream, and I say "I like ice cream", isn't it a fact that I like ice cream, and not an opinion?
I promptly passed out.
When I awoke some hours later, I sat up and tried to recall why I had passed out, and when I did, I swooned. But then I recovered, and thought, hey, maybe I'm not the only one who has trouble telling the difference between opinions and facts. So I undertook a little internet-based research, which, while not solving my problem, did at least further clarify my predicament. (As an added bonus, I also saved quite a bit of money on prescription drugs, and learned how I could make as much as $8000 a month, working from home, part-time.) In fact (I think), I had no trouble telling the difference between facts and other people's opinions. Those were easy to spot, because facts are true, and other people's opinions are mostly stupid. But my opinions are a completely different story. They're practically indistinguishable from facts.
So now I had a name for my infirmity. Or, if not a name, at least a better idea of what I was up against. With that accomplished, I decided to take a break and catch up on current events.
And there, hiding amongst the text of an online article, I found my good friend Epiphany! She was waving vigorously to me from between a pair of lines, and when I leaned closer, she whispered "You're not the only one!".
And then it dawned on me. It's not an affliction that I have. It's a talent!
So, I've applied for jobs at a variety of major news outlets, and I'm confident that you'll all be reading more from me soon.